every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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