Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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