if you like me you must not know who I am
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
