just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
