i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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