the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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