Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
