Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
