Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
