The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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