my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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