I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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