Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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