anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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