Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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