Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
