Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
