Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
