He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
