Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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