They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
