Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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