This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
