accomplished twins. life is a go
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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