Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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