first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
