I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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