So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
