remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
