Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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