She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
