Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
