Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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