Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
no you cant smoke seaweed
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
