she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just want to make out with him forever
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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