Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
