see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ugly people sure do ruin things
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
