the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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