i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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