I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
two words: eviction party
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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