I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
