just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
