I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize