Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We have started to decorate penises.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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