I showed him my bush... on skype.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
