The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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