I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
