i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
