i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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