Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
